4/13/2018

Realist Shit I Ever Wrote

Everyone who knows me knows that I usually don’t talk a lot about my struggles. Yeah I’ve been through things, how everyone has. Nothing crazy. Everyone has his little package to carry and while sometimes it might be easier it can be very hard when further things happen and you just feel like you are suffocating. You feel like all of the energy you had is empty. Not knowing what to do first. Or even worse: you can’t change anything about it. The lost of control is something so uncomfortable to me, that it kills my focus. Everything is under control, my job, my life in general. But there’s one thing I can’t  change. This messes with my head a lot. It’s like a virus which destructs my hard drive. Little by little. Day by day. In the past I’ve been removing everything that bothers me. Always. Often I’ve seemed very cold or anti social. But that’s a wrong assessment of my Charakter. I’m not cold and I like to be with people - who care just as much as I do. When there’s not full reciprocity, expectations that can’t be fulfilled by both sides come up. That’s when someone gets hurt, regardless it was meant to happen or not. Throughout the last year I’ve been through such situation. And it’s been a real struggle. I’ve cared too much to let go because I was holding on to something that was so hard to describe. A connection, mental connection and a vibe. I’ve tried and tried to push the person away but it was harder for me than for him. The sad thing was, that I knew exactly that I wanted something else. And I knew him so good, that I was totally aware of it. I was able to read him. Every word, every phrase, every excuse. I knew it were excuses he told me. Or maybe not? I’ve respected his drive, ambition and hustle too much, to just be selfish and expect, no claim, to be made a priority. That’s my biggest weakness - compassion. I often act numb and indifferent, but I’m not. That’s how I protect myself from feeling too much. From suffering from others issues. With him I couldn’t. It felt like i was the only one he could reach out to and be completely honest to. What type of person would let somebody down who is in a dark place and reaches out to someone?
Well I can’t. It seems like people are able to open up to me. A gift and a curse. A gift because I can make them feel better, a curse because I start caring.

When someone is so similar to somebody it’s easy to imagine that there’s something more. Not wishing it, but imagine it. You imagine that respect and appreciation is love, or that being close is. The lines between friendship and romance start to blurr and you think that there’s something, chemistry, between you and the other person.
That’s when expectations become a problem. When the other person puts you on pause or stops treating you the way they used to. All of a sudden you can’t read the alleged signs anymore and insecurities kick in. Insecurities have always been my issue. I’m not a jealous person in relationships, but I am in any other non-labeled situation. Living in the moment is hard because it’s hard to let the walls down when pain might be the consequence. Frustration takes over and I become someone I don’t like to be. I lash out and try to push the person away the same moment I’m trying to pull them closer. I’m confused and moody and hard to handle. Which is weird, because I’m the complete opposite when everything is figured out.

I have to learn that things can’t always go, how I want them to go. And I have to realize that some situations can’t be under my control. Things take a different route sometimes. And that’s okay, although it’s hard to understand.

Im 27 and single. And honestly there’s not even someone close to being my significant other. Do i feel lonely? Yes, every day. But that’s okay. Because I know that there’s somebody out there who I have a very special connection with. And even if we won’t have our moment in the future, we will forever fuck with each other (in a metaphoric way). The least he will be is my best friend.

I accept everyone for  who they are. Everyone has went through something that made them become how they are and people shouldn’t judge from the outside.